Taking Away Death

There the pills sat. It would be so easy. I wouldn’t feel anything. Half of a Xanax puts me to sleep, then I won’t feel any of it. I walk out of the room to see who’s home. Just mason in his room blasting music, sitting stuck in his chair from the PCP. He couldn’t notice even if he wanted to.

I grab a glass of water on my way back to Tyree’s room. Pills swallowed. Glass half empty I lay down on the recliner chair ready. Slowly I feel everything go dark. I no longer feel my body.

Suddenly I’m on my side vomiting on the floor. I feel hands on my back and hear voices around me but can’t understand them. I can make out one voice, Tyree yelling my name then pushing me back on my back pouring water in my mouth then pushing me back over to keep throwing up.

Everything fades to black again. Next time I wake up he’s sitting next to me, head in his hands. “Do you know how much I could have made off those pills?” he said without moving. “Two hundred dollars Carli. You just cost me two hundred dollars.”

“Tyree why didn’t you let me die? You weren’t even supposed to be here. Why did you do that? ” I said as I sat up realizing how awful my body felt.  ‘Guess almost dying hurts.’ I thought to myself.

“First the cocaine, then my pills! What is wrong with you?” He yelled as he jumped up and stared at me.

“That wouldn’t matter if you had just let me die!” I yelled back in outrage.

“I would if I could b*@#*! You think I want you around?”

“Then I’ll leave!” I yelled as I started to to storm out of the room.

Suddenly he grabbed my arm and jerked me towards him. “Too F*#@*ing late for that now! You fucked up and your getting that money back!”

I felt my best friends hand touched my arm. “Are you ok?” Snapping out of my flashback I look at him and smiled. “Yes I am.” I suddenly realized how happy I was that I didn’t die that day. Among all the hurt and pain the man from my past had caused me I never once thought that I would be thankful for anything he did. I’ve never been so wrong in my life. I don’t know where you are or if your even alive still, but all I have to say to you is thank you. Thank you for taking away my decision to stop living.


Watching The Insanity


I sat there and watched her cry her eyes out as she was curled up in a ball with the hot water pouring over her and the razor blade in her hand. I tried to yell ‘Stop!’ but the words  refused to leave my mouth. I sat there in silence and pain, unable to do anything to help her.

“This can’t happen again.” I told myself. “I have to find a way to help her fight.” All of this was new to me. I had watched her struggle her whole life, but never like this.

She barely managed to get out of the shower and wrap herself in a towel. I could feel the fear and pain she was experiencing as she climbed in the bed, her whole body shaking with the sobs. There was something else there. I could feel it like she was screaming in my face.

The hatred she felt for me was nothing I had ever felt before. I could hear what she was wanting to say in my head. “What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you helping me? Why are you letting me do this?”

She started to pick up her phone to talk to her friend and right as she was about to turn on the screen her eyes made contact with mine. As she sat there staring at me I thought about everything, About the pain and fear. I thought about how this used to be a rare occurrence but  was almost daily now. I looked deep in to her eyes. “I promise we will fix this. I don’t know how, but we will find a way.” Tweet I said as if speaking in to her soul.

As she turned on her phone her reflection faded away and she sat in the darkness with nothing but the phone illuminating her face. Even though she was sitting there alone she felt stronger and less afraid as if someone had lifted her up and said everything will be ok.